Oyster’s Dozen Round 3

“May I have your attention please? Will the real Slim Shady please stand up?! I repeat, will the real Slim Shady please stand up? We’re gonna have a problem here!”

Let’s dissect this iconic intro of Eminem’s The Real Slim Shady to refer it to the first three rounds of the 2020 footy season. Bear with me, it will make perfect sense once I’m done. The real Slim Shady are the individual performances of our superstars of the game and also, the teams as a whole. The ones having a problem are the supporters of the teams who are playing consistently inconsistent and the punters who are trying, in vain, to pick eight leg multis week to week. 

If anyone picked a perfect round this week, hats off to you. You Sir or Madam are a genius! Did you find a 2020-2120 Sports Almanac when you traveled into the future in your DeLorean at 88mph? Let me explain further the unlikely event of this happening.

Richmond lost to Hawthorn, Hawthorn got belted by Geelong the week before. Richmond belted Carlton Round 1. Carlton beat Geelong. Does this mean that Carlton will annihilate Hawthorn or that Geelong will smash Richmond when they play against each other?! 

Western Bulldogs thumped the Giants. St Kilda smashed the Bulldogs Round 2. Collingwood belted St Kilda this round so does that mean that The GWS Giants will lose by 150 plus points to the Magpies?! Honestly, you need to be a clairvoyant to predict the winners this year. 

There were some impressive performances over the round which need special mention. Port Adelaide Power are the only team to win all their matches so far in 2020 however, they aren’t the only undefeated team. Collingwood also won on the weekend against a much improved Brett Ratten coached St Kilda side. The way these teams are playing, we could see two undefeated teams heading to Round 6. The Power’s Round 5 clash against the Lions will be a cracking game at The Gabba in a fortnight’s time. 

Gold Coast Suns continues to impress with an impressive win over the useless Adelaide Crows. It was the Suns first ever victory against the Crows. It may have taken them 9 and a bit seasons but they’ve finally beaten every side in the AFL. Another BOG performance from 18 year old Matt Rowell will have rival coaches plotting the demise of a young fella who received praise from Nathan Buckley for his tucked in guernsey and his skillset. This kid is something else. For someone who’s only three games into his AFL career, he plays with the composure of a veteran. Stewart Dew must’ve prayed to all the Gods over the off-season for such a prodigal talent. Could the Suns finally pop their finals campaign cherry in 2020? Now that Uncle Oyster has talked them up, probably not. The AFL will also be praying to the same Gods as Stewie Dew to make sure this happens. Is it a coincidence that there was another COVID-19 breakout in Victoria recently? 1997’s Conspiracy Theory was a great movie starring Mel Gibson and Julia Roberts. Is the 2020 version starring Gillon McLachlan and Annastacia Palaszczuk? Can you imagine if the Suns are 2020 premiers? If the Gold Coast hub continues and Victoria’s borders stay closed, we could see an all Queensland Grand Final played at Sydney’s ANZ Stadium! Mr Football Ted Whitten would be turning in his grave (Rest In Peace). 

Yes, I may be jumping the gun a little but it’s been a crazy season to date and it could get even crazier! So I’m going to do the unthinkable and predict the top 8 for the 2020 season now! Three rounds in, I’m sure my predictions will age beautifully.

  1. Collingwood Magpies
  2. Richmond Tigers
  3. Brisbane Lions
  4. GWS Giants- My 2020 flag favourites
  5. Port Adelaide Power
  6. North Melbourne Kangaroos/Hawthorn Hawks
  7. Geelong Cats
  8. Gold Coast Suns

Look, I’m not a prophet but we’ll see how it ends up. A lot can happen between now and an October Grand Final played at the spiritual home of Rugby League, ANZ Stadium. Gladys Berejiklian is also in cahoots with the AFL by the way. Why do you think the proposed ANZ Stadium renovations were postponed indefinitely?! 

Before I go, my tips for who will win in Round 4. Last week I picked 4 winners out of the 8 possible games. Not too bad considering Geelong Cats had the chance to snatch an undeserved victory against the Navy Blues after Carlton led by as many as 7 goals. 

*The Sydney Swans will win against the Western Bulldogs. Both sides are ravaged with injuries to key players. Josh Kennedy will lead from the front in the midfield as always and Isaac Heeney will conjure some magic. For the Scrays, Jack Macrae, Caleb Daniel and Norm Smith Medalist Jason Johannisen were standouts in the win against the Giants. 

*The GWS Giants need this win more than the Collingwood Magpies at this stage. The Giants’ squad is far too talented to lose three consecutive games. Callan Ward, Stephen Coniglio, Lachie Whitfield, Jacob Hopper and Sauce Sam Jacobs in the ruck need to win the midfield battle against arguably the best midfield in the competition. Steele Sidebottom, Scott Pendlebury, Taylor Adams, Jordan De Goey and Heath Grundy in the ruck will be hard to stop. Jeremy Cameron needs to kick at least 4 goals for the Giants to have a chance of winning. He is a match winner. He needs to be that match winner for the Giants this week. Giants by 2 goals. 

*Port Adelaide to smash WCE who look terrible since the resumption of the 2020 season. I know it’s tricky not playing games in your home state but the Eagles side is stacked with A+ talent all across the paddock. The young Power side are hunting in packs and have won the contested possession stats comfortably during their undefeated streak to date. Will it continue?   

*Richmond to bounce back against St Kilda. Remember Sir Dustin Martin didn’t play against the Hawks and he still received the 3 Brownlow votes from the umps! Hopefully Tigers’ forwards coach Craig McRae had Tom Lynch practicing his goal kicking during the week. 

*Gold Coast should account for Fremantle Dockers at home. Justin Longmuir must place Andrew Brayshaw on a tagging role on Matt Rowell. 

*Brisbane Lions will flog Adelaide Crows. I honestly can’t remember a Crows team playing so inspidly. Lachie Neale will have 30+ possessions for those who love a punt! 

* Geelong Cats will beat the Melbourne Demons. I wouldn’t bet my life savings on the result though. Patrick Dangerfield, Gary Ablett and Joel Selwood were all ineffective against an improving Blues side. Jack Steven looked rusty in his first game for his new club. Look to see a much improved performance against the Dees. Nakia Cockatoo will hopefully inject some much needed leg speed to my beloved Catters. 

* Whoever wins this game will secure 6th position in my predicted Top 8 of 2020. I want North Melbourne to win and I think Rhyce Shaw would’ve given the spray to end all sprays during the week after a disappointing loss to an undermanned Sydney Swans. Hawthorn Hawks keep keeping on and this will be the game of the round. Chad Wingard and Jaeger O’Meara are the barometer for the Hawks. If they’re playing well, the Hawks usually win. 

*Essendon Bombers and Carlton Blues will likely be postponed due to Conor McKenna’s positive COVID-19 test. 

Will Round 4 be another round of upsets? Will those superstars down on form last round bounce back to their best? Will Port Adelaide and Collingwood remain undefeated? Will Uncle Oyster stop with the rhetorical questions? Who knows? 

Whatever happens, let’s hope that footy continues to dish up the surprises and drama we associate with reality TV shows like The Voice, MKR and the third reincarnation of Big Brother. 

Until next time, may your side win the Inside 50 count and take full advantage!



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